Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Depression Hurts & Schizophrenia Lies

It has been a rough month for me. Sometimes life just sucks. I'm not looking for sympathy, but with the recent death of Robin Williams it seems like a good time to talk about it.

I am schizophrenic, and I learned being medicated is worse than the disease. Side effects will kill you. I have been unmedicated for a few years now, and I think I am functioning better than when I was on the meds.

The problem with this is that sometimes my disease flares up. One bad thing can set me into a dark spiral. That is kinda where I have been for the last few weeks.

Buddhism and Crochet are what has always dug me out of these spirals. Buddhism teaches me that this spiral is called Samsara, and Samara can end. When life sucks, I remind myself that this is part of the human condition. Once I come to accept this, I work on fixing the things that suck.

I have always strive to be the change I want to see. More than that, when I am down I push to shine even brighter.

This is my mantra when life gets hard, "Be the light in the darkness for others to flock to."
Also this is a photo of the Cape Blanco Lighthouse. This is where my parents met and later married.

When life is hard and you feel down low that is when you need to stand tallest. When you just can't do that, and there will be days you can't, lean on those who love you. I promise they don't mind, because they love you.

No one wants to admit it, but there is flaws with us all. Even if they can not exactly understand your pain, they can sympathize. Everyone you meet is fighting their own demons. 

It is time for us to let go, and admit we are flawed, by accepting that everyone is flawed maybe we can learn to function together and hold each other up.

Until then, find something that brings you joy, and focus on that. For me it is my garden and my crochet. I also have a wonderfully supportive family that keeps me stable. 

Talk to your children about any mental illness in your family. It is important for them to know and understand. This can be hereditary, and it is good for them to know what to expect. For me, schizophrenia runs so deep that I asked what it was like to have that brake down. I asked what they felt, what they heard and what do I do if it happens to me. It was because of my understanding that I handled things as well as I could have. 

Once I got over the blindness the brake down creates I had a moment of clarity and I realized I was not well. I was able to tell my family what happened. Later when I saw the doctor I was able to articulate what was wrong better, because I knew what this illness looks like.

By being prepared I was able to get the help I needed, and even now I can remind myself that this disease lies, and not to believe it.

I pray my kids never know my pain, but they are prepared in case they .


  1. Love you! Yeah, it might be time to have a more in depth talk with Evan about mental illness. I've touched on it before, but I think now he may be old enough for some more details.

    1. Yeah I think it was the most helpful thing for me. My aunt told me about the mental illness she suffered and what runs in the family. She made me feel like it was okay to be that way, and that I could learn to function. I think she died in a mental hospital, but I know she just wanted me to be in a better place than she was. I am thankful for her. I hope my kids end up better adjusted than me.

  2. Oh and Sofia loves your kitty/cupcake logo. :-D

    1. Thank you! Josh came up with the concept for it :) I just picked the colors!