My depression has mostly lifted, and it is sadly just something I have to deal with sometimes. As a Buddhist I understand bad things happen, and that I am the very product of my own thoughts. Through mediation and changing my perspective I am able to handle this much better than I used to. I have learned to accept it, deal with it, and move forward. This too shall pass, as does the joy.
My mother denies that the probable death of her mother is bothering her. My grandmother is a horrid woman who badly abused my mother. My mother is deeply affected and has been lashing out at everyone. I try to understand that she is dealing with feelings that she does not know how to handle, and accept that. My mother is also very abusive though, in many the same ways as her mother. I have gone out of my way to learn from them and try to stop the cycle.
I am trying to stand tall, and be strong. I tell myself I will not let my mother tear me down and make me feel bad, but it is hard. She has been doing that for over 30 years. Thankfully the Zen teachings I have studied and put to practice have kept me strong. My boyfriend even pulled a passage from Dune that is very Zen:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain. - Dune, Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear, Frank Herbert
I am finally starting to feel normal again. I am even being productive. I am now trying to get back to my normal routine.
The good news:
I may not have been posting, but I have continued my testing of recipes, and some Back to Basics stuff! I am working getting everything typed up and ready to post. I will have a few recipes, some patterns, and some fun homemade stuff! This Sunday I am excited to share my new all purpose cleaner!!!! (It cleans your house and your insides!!!)